Wednesday, July 11, 2007

THE NEXT SURVIVOR SERIES

UPDATED - July 12 - thanks Phyllis for reminding me about hair drama, and thanks to the John McCain drama for reminding me about the being president part.

Six married men will be dropped on an island with one car and 3 kids each for six weeks.

Each kid will play two sports and either take music or dance classes. There is no fast food or hair dresser. Each man must take care of his 3 kids; keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, do hair and pay a list of "pretend" bills with not enough money.

In addition, each man will have to budget in money for groceries each week. Each man must remember the birthdays of all their friends and relatives, and send cards out on time. Each man must also take each child to a doctor's appointment, a dentist appointment and a haircut appointment.

He must also get the wardrobe together (and do hair) for any number of birthday parties, bar/bat mitzvahs and communions PLUS purchase gifts for each event and have them wrapped uniquely.

He must make one unscheduled and inconvenient visit per child to the Emergency Room (weekend, evening, on a holiday or right when they're about to leave for vacation).

He must also make cookies or cupcakes for all social and school functions.

Each man will be responsible for decorating his own assigned house, planting flowers outside and keeping it presentable at all times. The men will only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done. There is only one TV and computer between them, and a remote/mouse with dead batteries.

Each father will be required to know all of the words to every stupid song that comes on TV and the name of each and every character on cartoons.

The men must shave their legs, do their hair and wear makeup daily, which they will apply to themselves either while driving or making three lunches.

Each man will have to make an Indian hut model with six toothpicks, and get a 4 year old to eat a serving of peas, at the same time, all while doing another child's hair.

Each man must adorn himself with jewelry, wear uncomfortable yet stylish shoes, keep their nails polished and eyebrows groomed.

The men must try to get through each day without snot, spit-up or barf on their clothing.

During one of the six weeks, the men will have to endure severe abdominal cramps, back aches, and have extreme, unexplained mood swings but never once complain or slow down from other duties. They must try to explain what a tampon is for when the 6-yr old boy finds it in the purse.

They must attend weekly school meetings, church, and find time at least once to spend the afternoon at the park or a similar setting.

He will need to read a book and then pray with the children each night without falling asleep, and then feed them, supervise bath/shower time, dress them, brush their teeth and comb their hair each morning by 7:00. They must leave the home with no food on their face or clothes.

They must clean up after their sick children at 2:00 a.m.and then spend the remainder of the day tending to that child and waiting on them hand and foot until they are better.

They must have a loving, age appropriate reply to, "You're not the boss of me."

The men must never feel inferior even when others suggest, insist or otherwise try to control and develop markets/laws regarding your every thought, bodily function and/or station in life. You must also be content to live on an island where you are never president, vice president and are cloned into a weird robot yes man (with a tan) to be secretary of state.

A test will be given at the end of the six weeks, and each father will be required to know all of the following information: each child's birthday, height, weight, shoe size, clothes sizes and doctor's name. Also the child's weight at birth, length, time of birth, and length of labor; each child's favorite color, middle name, favorite snack, favorite song, favorite drink, favorite toy, biggest fear and what they want to be when they grow up and when and if they had chicken pox. A pop quiz will be given on each child's teacher's names, subjects and when the next book report is due.

The kids vote them off the island based on performance. The last man wins only if... he still has enough energy to be intimate with his spouse at a moment's notice. If the last man does win, he can play the game over and over and over again for the next 18-25 years...eventually earning the right to be called Mother!

Is this what I really did for the past 18 years??? DAYUM, I'm tired...

6 comments:

tonya said...

i can relate to all this especially the being tired parts. a man, hell a group of 3 men could not raise 3 children toghether while doing all that stuff that is required. but one women can, go figure.

just think, your job is 1/2 done. my kids are 6 and 11 my job is just begining.

Crystal said...

This is great! My youngest is 16, so I'm almost done!

Necia said...

Hey Deborah!

I'm tired and it's only been 4 years! Tell me it gets easier, please!

Necia

del said...

Ha, no man will survive! LOL. So true, so true, all of it's true! I can't believe I'm still sane.

Barb said...

You're scarin' me. How about all that while working full-time outside the home, too:(

sherry said...
This comment has been removed by the author.